Instant Gratification

Instant Gratification

Instant Gratification. Not so instant.

Why is it that I still constantly seek instant gratification in all that I do? The strange thing is that on the occasions that I do receive even the slightest recognition, I feel awkward and uncomfortable with the comments that I am receiving.

It’s a sure no win situation for me at times. You can’t win with me. If you give me a positive remark on something I have done of late, my instant reply will be,“I didn’t do anything, I was just being me! Going about the things I would normally do.”

Whilst if I do something that I do think deserves a little pat on the back, and I don’t get it, then I’m ‘all toys out of the cot.’ And spend the next 20 minutes or so thinking about what or how I could do different next time to receive that pat on the back I’m so desperate for.

When I finished my treatment back in April, I was so desperate for everyone to say, “Well done JPG-B. At last you’re cured and free from addiction!”

I sought instant gratification from my mom at first. When I walked into my parent’s house after finishing 12 weeks of detox/day care at Park House, I guess I was expecting a party. With full military marching band, fireworks, balloons, party poppers and a grand piano with John Lennon playing Starting Over or some other song from my play list on You-tube.

Nope! I went in and said, “I’ve done it mom, I’m clean.” The reply I received was not what I had expected or wanted, “We will see John Paul. I’ve heard that before. But well done on finishing at Park House.”

A while back now, I was doing some volunteer work with BDAAT and SUGAR for World Drugs Day. Where we put on a tour of Birmingham’s hot-spots to raise the awareness to the dangers of alcohol and drugs misuse.

During that four day open-topped bus tour a woman, who had heard an interview of me on the radio drove over an hour to come and see me, as I had inspired her to rethink her substance misuse issues. Now to most people that would have been one hell of a slap on the back. Not to me, I was like, “Yeah, OK, that’s nice of her.”

Don’t get me wrong I’m very grateful to the woman who had driven miles to see me not once but twice, as she did a test run to make sure she would find me on the second day.

What I’m trying to say is I seem to have lost the ability if I ever had it, to accept the fact that some people actually do like me and will give me compliments if I have done something well. I hope she managed to get something from talking to me.

I also get my mother’s remarks, when she said, “We will see.” After all my previous attempts at abstinence had failed. What was I expecting? Instant acceptance that I would never drink again? No! JPG-B it doesn’t work like that. Twenty plus years of substance abuse and I expect her to put down all of her defences?

The message I guess I’m trying to get across here is that now I know that alcohol and drugs were not the problem. I was the problem. I have the disease of addiction, which unfortunately to me and those people around me, has many unwanted manifestations.

These manifestations come in the form of minor character defects, like attention seeking, the feeling of not being worthy, the inability to accept compliments and other social skills that non-addicts take for granted.

I’m going to have to learn 20 plus years of social interaction skills and completely re-train my mind to start thinking the way most people do day in day out.

Although some of my defects do have certain qualities that I like, and I use them to get away with little things. “Oh, yeah I did that…..oops, that’s because I’m an addict, and that’s what addicts do.” Or, “I’m sorry that wasn’t me who said that, it was the voice of my addiction.” Lol.

Now that I am clean/dry, and taking my prescription medication as prescribed. I have time to work on my defects. I have learnt to stop and think about my reactions to the small thing’s that may seem insignificant or hugely important at the time to any given situation.

I don’t expect instant gratification; I’m just happy that I’m alive and well. My new clean living life, is a huge learning curve at the moment, which may come with some pitfalls and some great times.

I’m working my 12 step programme and with the aid of my sponsor, family and friends and I’m doing just fine. If I didn’t react to anything said or if I didn’t quite get the joke, then I’m sorry but I’m just being me and loving every minute of it.

Thank you for reading.

Stay safe and happy xox

JPG-B