Abstain from ALL Drugs in order to recover! Be Cautious of ALL drugs.

Abstain from all drugs in order to recover! Be cautious of all drugs

OK, I thought my addiction was purely alcohol based. Boy was I wrong!

I’m currently 192 days free from alcohol, but recently I was caught out by prescription medication. Not good. But a good read I think?

I have been on anti-depressants for many years. Two types, sertraline and mirtazapine. Also numerous other medication to a total of 30+ tablets a day. Sounds a lot? That’s what I thought. So armed with my copy of the BNF I made an appointment to see my GP for a medication review.

Now my doctor and I have a love hate relationship. He hates me, and I love questioning his judgement and knowledge on prescription writing.

“That’s not playing the game fair JPG-B”, I hear you saying. Well I say fair play is not my game when it comes to my recovery.

This is not an easy blog for me to type, but I will give it all of my honesty, open mindedness and willingness.

I thought that once I had made my mind up to stop drinking and had gone through my detox and rehab at Park House, all would be fine. Nope!

I thought that all my problems and issues would soon be over with. Nope on that one too! I never gave all those years of blurred out memories, pain and suffering, caused to myself and others around me a second thought.

I never did mourn my brother lost to addiction. Or my divorce due to my alcohol addiction. Not forgetting the loss of access to my son. Loss of jobs, cars, my house, respect, self worth and the trust of my parents. Did I?

So OK. Let’s go back 10 weeks or so. In my head all was going well in my recovery. I was abstinent or ‘clean’ as they say in the rooms of the fellowship I go to. No alcohol or drugs for four months and I felt great. I did feel great, didn’t I? It is a dog isn’t it?

Well yes and no to that one. I kept telling myself I was feeling great and everyone one around me kept telling me I was doing great and was looking great too. So yeah, I’m fine and all recovered. I even managed to get through a TV interview and a couple of radio interviews telling the whole ‘world’ that I was doing fine.

Wrong JPG-B! I was a total mess. From the outside I looked well, dressed well and presented myself professionally very well. I seemed to be ticking all the right boxes for the right people in my new set goal. To become a drug worker.

On the inside though, I was torn with pain, anxiety and 20 years of emotions that had previously been blocked out by alcohol or some prescription ‘legal’ drug.

That seemed to hit me like a nine iron hitting a quail’s egg (softly boiled). All of the above had hit me and hit me hard. I had begun to sink lower in my depression. I became so overwhelmed with all sorts of feelings and emotions that I never thought I had. And it was very painful. Like a raging fire burning through my whole body.

No way was I going back on the beer to dissolve these feelings. Not this time. Not me. I was achieving the impossible, I was clean. So I put myself into anything that would preoccupy my mind and distract me from my head. Because I didn’t like the things that my head was telling me.

I was doing some volunteer work in the field of substance misuse, going to 5-9 meetings a week, meeting people in the fellowship for coffees and found myself not being able to say no to anything that would take me out of my own head space.

I was having suicidal thoughts, self harming dreams, injecting dreams (I have never injected) and was crossing roads not caring if a car, bus or anything hit me. My head was telling me that I was scum, low life, and waste of space. That I might as well end it all.

I was aware of all of this, and to be honest, a bit scared that I may well carry out one of my dreams or thoughts. I sort of convinced myself that it was all down to the medication I was on and had been on for many years. I was cured of my illness/disease a long time ago. I had decided to stop all medication, apart from my sodium valproate and disulfiram.

Yeah JPG-B that was a wise move. Not! I then went to my GP for a review, not telling him that I had ceased most medication, and told him about my still occurring thoughts and dreams. He referred me to a counsellor who in turned referred me to see a psychiatrist.

In between appointments I was now self medicating on my anti-depressants, my mother’s co-codamal and I had acquired some diazepam 5mg’s, and was taking them as I saw fit. A recipe for disaster in the making.

After leaving a session with my counsellor one Friday, I was feeling particularly down and raw so thought I would medicate myself with some diazepam. Just 2×5mg’s. To cut a long story short, I ended up taking over 40×5mg’s tablets and, fortunately for me, I ended waking up in a poisons unit. I felt like my last car, crashed, battered, rusty and unwanted.

I just wanted to get out of the hospital but the nurses told me if I walked then they could section 5 me. So I had to stay to see the home treatment team. Once seen by the team, they reassured me that episodes like this do happen, and that they could help me so long as I agreed with them that my parents would supervise all medication.

As I left the hospital, I felt like such a failure all I could think of was getting drunk. “I may as well. I have messed up big time now”. But, on this occasion, unlike all my other attempts at getting clean where I failed and relapsed big time, I didn’t.

I don’t know how or why. I just didn’t make it to the off-licence right opposite the hospital. Nope. This time I went home to my parents sober.

The welcome I received was amazing. My mom so was happy to see me alive and ‘almost well’. She didn’t judge me or comment at all on what I had done. She just hugged me, no words, just a hug like no other hug I had ever had off her in my entire life (to memory). And then we both cried and hugged some more.

Two days later I had a visit from R.M from Park House (Birmingham). He had come to see me and check that I was OK. And what was more special to me was that he also came to see and ask my mom if she was ok. (Thank you R.M, nice touch).

One hour later I received a phone call from R.M asking if I would like to go back into Park House for a few days. Just for a respite. A short break away from the madness that I was in mentally. A, chance for me to gain a bit of well needed me time.

A chance to reflect and have a long, and yes, still painful look at myself, my life and where I went wrong. Things I could change, approach differently or totally cut out of my life.

I ended up staying at Park House for a week. I took part in all the groups and adhered to all the rules just like every other service user had to. No special treatment. I went back to basics and even restarted my step one work in there.

My time in Park House was, in my view, a life saver. Without it I’m pretty much sure I would have gone through my last relapse ever. A major relapse, from which there would have been no return.

I would have died a drunk, like I had thought I would for many years. I would like to thank every single member of the team at Park House, Phoenix Futures, Inclusion, BDAAT and every single service user who was going through treatment during my time spent back at Park House. I owe you all my life and my parent’s sanity.

I would also like to thank every member of the fellowship, for there support and help in my extremely difficult time. With a special thank you to those few (you know who you are), who spent countless hours at my bedside and a big thank you to ‘M.S’ (you know why) whilst I was recovering from this (accidental? intended?) suicide attempt.

It came so out of the blue. I still have no clue why or how it happened. Although I was aware that I was taking too many tablets at the time.

On a closing note, I would like to say to anyone out there who is going through a similar situation, not to choose the path I did. Help is out there, all you have to do is ask for it.

I have over 40 phone numbers of people in the fellowship and 20+ more names and numbers who I could have reached out to. Not to mention those people close to me and my heart.

Pride can be a dangerous thing to hold too close. Please scream out for help as loud as you can and as soon as you can. There is no pride in dying. I was lucky, you may not be so.

Today, I’m still ’dry’ and taking all of my medication as and when prescribed. I’m taking life in the slow lane. I’m still attending meetings but not as many as I was, and continuing to work the programme.

My volunteer work will continue as soon as I have gained a little more inner peace within myself. My goal in life, to become a drug worker, is still the same. Just this time around I will walk the path to it, at life’s intended speed. Not run the thousand miles an hour that I was trying to.

God bless you all. Life on life’s terms.

Thank you for reading, and sorry it was so long.

Stay safe and happy. Recovery is sweet.

JPG-B xx

Sober !!!

Sober for 4499 hours and counting

I have been dry now for 187 days or 4499 hours, it sometimes feels like I am counting away every hour of every day, just to maintain my sobriety in what seems like an assault course of obstacles.

Whilst at times it may seem like a walk in the park for me to stay clean and sober, it can however turn into a walk through a minefield.

Each day as I awake, I follow a ritual that I designed and put into place the day I left my treatment unit, Park House, Birmingham. First on the list is the much needed ciggy. A must for me, and one addiction that I am happy to hold on to. For now!

Then comes my Just for Today reading, and a good reading of the basic text page it refers to. Which I try my best to adhere to each day. I find that if I can focus on one part of this 12 step programme each day, it helps me to get one more day under my alcohol free path. It’s working so far, and I do have faith in the whole programme.

Next in my ritual, and probably the most important step is reading my diary, which like most other peoples diaries contains all of my appointments and commitments for the day. What is different about my entries though is that certain entries are highlighted in green.

Green entries are indicating to me that there is a potential ‘trigger situation’ involved with that entry, one that I need to be aware of and plan in advance my escape route if needed.

These trigger situations could be anything as simple as doing my weekly shop, and having to walk down the alcohol section in the supermarket, or a more testing situation like meeting a friend for coffee in a bar (always did like throwing myself in at the deep end) and bumping into old drinking associates.

Now this is a tricky one for me. I am by nature a social animal and always have loved a good chin wag and gossip. So my way of dealing with a situation like this is to tell it as it is, “Hey mate, long time no see etc….No, no I don’t drink anymore I have been dry for ‘XYZ’.” Then invite that person to join me for coffee too, ha ha.

Some accept but soon move on and some just give me a strange look as if I had turned into a raving fruit cake.

Both examples, for me, are easy for me to handle and cope with, because I have the prior knowledge and previous experience in dealing with the situation.

I could of course avoid both potential trigger situations and avoid all supermarkets for the rest of life, and avoid all food and beverage facilities.

I’m sure that with my defected mind, that I could build up enough resentment to enable me to avoid every establishment that sells alcohol and every possible public meeting place for the rest of my life. Turn myself into a recluse, lock myself in my small room, safe in the knowledge that the only real person I will ever have to encounter would be the delivery man with my online shopping order.

Yes, that would work! I could finally get through my life without alcohol playing a part. Out of sight out of mind right? No! Oops they sell alcohol online, they have alcohol product placements on T.V. it’s in books, newspapers, and mag’s everywhere. Help! Lol.

No that is one route I will not be taking. If I allow myself to become a prisoner in my own house, well bedroom at my parents’ house, then I may as well start up drinking again because that is where it took me in the end. Isolated, locked away and alone.

So whilst having to be aware of the green entries, I am determined not to let this disease cripple me any longer. I will walk out and go about my daily duties, just like J-blogs, and cope with triggers and obstacles as and when they come along.

One more technique I use is the fast forward method, taught to me by one of my Alcohol workers. This is where if I do have a sudden craving, or come across an unplanned trigger, I mentally image time fast forwarding.

What sort of state would I be in the following day? The guilt of letting my loved ones down. The feeling of utter and complete failure, a feeling that from my past relapses is not a good one to have, or one that I would desire to experience ever again.

Just the thought of that feeling of failure, and knowing that the only thing that got me through that feeling before was to completely drown my sorrows deep into my addiction and seek help again. But only when I thought I had reached yet another rock bottom. Not a nice place to be. Trust me on that please.

I hope these coping methods work for anyone reading this blog. But like I have said before, these work for me, and may not work for all. All I can say is that you have nothing to lose by giving them a try.

Be honest with yourself and accept the fact that we have a disease called addiction. For me having that first drink is not an option. If I have that first drink, well you may as well point a loaded gun at my head.

I honestly don’t think I have one relapse left in me. Sorry to leave this blog on a downer, but I need to get real about this stuff. People die every day from addiction.

I have enjoyed 187 days of freedom from addiction, I’m not saying it is easy but hell yes, it’s worth it, and so are you.

Keep up all your good and often painful work. It can be done, I’m proof.

Thank you for reading.

Instant Gratification

Instant Gratification

Instant Gratification. Not so instant.

Why is it that I still constantly seek instant gratification in all that I do? The strange thing is that on the occasions that I do receive even the slightest recognition, I feel awkward and uncomfortable with the comments that I am receiving.

It’s a sure no win situation for me at times. You can’t win with me. If you give me a positive remark on something I have done of late, my instant reply will be,“I didn’t do anything, I was just being me! Going about the things I would normally do.”

Whilst if I do something that I do think deserves a little pat on the back, and I don’t get it, then I’m ‘all toys out of the cot.’ And spend the next 20 minutes or so thinking about what or how I could do different next time to receive that pat on the back I’m so desperate for.

When I finished my treatment back in April, I was so desperate for everyone to say, “Well done JPG-B. At last you’re cured and free from addiction!”

I sought instant gratification from my mom at first. When I walked into my parent’s house after finishing 12 weeks of detox/day care at Park House, I guess I was expecting a party. With full military marching band, fireworks, balloons, party poppers and a grand piano with John Lennon playing Starting Over or some other song from my play list on You-tube.

Nope! I went in and said, “I’ve done it mom, I’m clean.” The reply I received was not what I had expected or wanted, “We will see John Paul. I’ve heard that before. But well done on finishing at Park House.”

A while back now, I was doing some volunteer work with BDAAT and SUGAR for World Drugs Day. Where we put on a tour of Birmingham’s hot-spots to raise the awareness to the dangers of alcohol and drugs misuse.

During that four day open-topped bus tour a woman, who had heard an interview of me on the radio drove over an hour to come and see me, as I had inspired her to rethink her substance misuse issues. Now to most people that would have been one hell of a slap on the back. Not to me, I was like, “Yeah, OK, that’s nice of her.”

Don’t get me wrong I’m very grateful to the woman who had driven miles to see me not once but twice, as she did a test run to make sure she would find me on the second day.

What I’m trying to say is I seem to have lost the ability if I ever had it, to accept the fact that some people actually do like me and will give me compliments if I have done something well. I hope she managed to get something from talking to me.

I also get my mother’s remarks, when she said, “We will see.” After all my previous attempts at abstinence had failed. What was I expecting? Instant acceptance that I would never drink again? No! JPG-B it doesn’t work like that. Twenty plus years of substance abuse and I expect her to put down all of her defences?

The message I guess I’m trying to get across here is that now I know that alcohol and drugs were not the problem. I was the problem. I have the disease of addiction, which unfortunately to me and those people around me, has many unwanted manifestations.

These manifestations come in the form of minor character defects, like attention seeking, the feeling of not being worthy, the inability to accept compliments and other social skills that non-addicts take for granted.

I’m going to have to learn 20 plus years of social interaction skills and completely re-train my mind to start thinking the way most people do day in day out.

Although some of my defects do have certain qualities that I like, and I use them to get away with little things. “Oh, yeah I did that…..oops, that’s because I’m an addict, and that’s what addicts do.” Or, “I’m sorry that wasn’t me who said that, it was the voice of my addiction.” Lol.

Now that I am clean/dry, and taking my prescription medication as prescribed. I have time to work on my defects. I have learnt to stop and think about my reactions to the small thing’s that may seem insignificant or hugely important at the time to any given situation.

I don’t expect instant gratification; I’m just happy that I’m alive and well. My new clean living life, is a huge learning curve at the moment, which may come with some pitfalls and some great times.

I’m working my 12 step programme and with the aid of my sponsor, family and friends and I’m doing just fine. If I didn’t react to anything said or if I didn’t quite get the joke, then I’m sorry but I’m just being me and loving every minute of it.

Thank you for reading.

Stay safe and happy xox

JPG-B